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Rehab Diary Day 7: Saturday November 14, 2020 TW:Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Suicide

Shouko is my favorite anime movie character. She is so strong. I relate so much to her and Sinon. They have both been through so much and persevered. 

I have been enjoying sitting outside on the back porch facing Cases Cove and rocking in the rocking chair while meditating. Today I listened to one of my new favorite songs. Nandemonaiya: song on spotify , lyrics . I like the English version which is strange because when it comes to anime I prefer Japanese. I really need to get a rocking chair so I can continue meditating and getting sun and fresh air at least once a day.

I had nightmares again last night. I don't know if they would have been worse without the Prazosin or if it is helping. I didn't have as much trouble waking up this morning but falling asleep was hard. I was overthinking all day yesterday. 

Saw the Dr. this morning. They are going to go up on one of my medicines to help with the depression. 

11:00 Smart goals group

4:30pm Process Group with Lawrence
My notes:
We were asked: What is the biggest thing we wish were different? For me. The biggest thing that I wish were different is that I don't want to be alone anymore. For that to happen I have to stop isolating myself. I also need to figure out what behaviours I am doing that gets me into abusive relationships. I need to stop being so aggressive, combative, and humble myself. 

There's only two things in life that we get to choose 1. Beliefs and 2. Behaviours. 

We become what we see. For me I had parents who fought all the time and then an abusive step dad. So I thought that was what love was. I had abusive relationship after abusive relationship and now with PTSD I have isolated myself because I believe that every man is going to be the same. There are three ingredients to love: truth, acceptance, and choice. I need to change my beliefs and accept who I am.

Today has been another really rough day. I've cried. I've been depressed. I'm anxious about going home. I just need to be held and someone to tell me that they believe in me and that I am going to be okay. 

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