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Rehab Diary Day 6: Friday November 13, 2020 TW: Self Harm, Suicide, Anxiety, Depression

I want to be like Hina. Bring the sunshine to everyone. I want to be a light in the dark times. I was excited to watch, "Weathering With You" last night. Please watch it if you haven't seen it. There is even a throwback to, "Your Name."

I had a pretty bad night terror last night which is weird since the medicine I am on is for night terrors. It shook me and I wanted to reach out to my friend to help calm me down but I didn't want to bother him. I feel like I am just being a burden on everyone. I feel very empty and alone. It's no one's fault but mine. I've thought about disappearing. Just letting everyone go so no one has to deal with me anymore. I would miss everyone but I feel like I would be doing everyone a favour.

Two days. I get to go back to my life in two days. I am excited and very scared. I want to see my kid and play video games. I know I will be streaming Sunday night as long as everything goes well. I have a very strong need to click on heads in CSGO and play some Among Us with my Weebs. I just hope that my friends still want to be my friends after all of this.

Why did you delete Discord and Twitter?

When you're in rehab, they encourage you to find your triggers. In a more restricted rehab they take your phone away so you can concentrate on getting better. Twitter is a trigger for me as is discord. So I deleted them so I can concentrate. I kept instagram because it's just pics and I don't get upset at insta. I follow a lot of tourism, anime, and photography accounts that calm me down. On Twitter everyone is either angry or depressed. Discord is a distraction, not too bad of a Twitter is I avoid certain servers. 

The people I was okay with talking to could reach my through my phone number. I love all of my friends. I just don't feel like talking to all of them right now. I'm trying to concentrate on getting better.

Today has been a really bad day. It's like a wall of sadness hit me all of the sudden. I've been in my head a lot today. All I want to do is hurt myself. 

I am a little scared today. Thinking about going home terrifies me. Nothing has changed at home. Everything is waiting for me when I go back there. I am afraid I will go home and it will be like last time. I will just fall a part. I don't have anyone physical at home other than my son. I can't put that on him. I don't have a person that can just hold me and keep me together. I have someone I love who I've tried to force to be that for me and that is not okay. I'm coming to the realization that he may just be there because he is afraid of being responsible for me killing myself. 

I hate that. I hate that anyone would stay with me because of that. It makes me feel like a horrible person. I'm still having some really bad thoughts but I'm not telling anyone those thoughts because I want to go home. I don't want to die anymore. I don't know how to explain it. How do you say to someone, "I feel like hurting myself but I don't want to die." 

How does it make sense that I have all this guilt, shame, pain, and all the bad feelings going on that I feel like I need to be punished for it. I'm a bad friend, I need to hurt myself. I'm being too needy, I need to hurt myself. I love someone who will never love me back, I need to hurt myself. It's not normal and I know that. I've been learning coping skills but I'm scared I will crave what I am used to doing for pain. 

I want to go to my room, pull the covers over my head and cry. I feel very alone in this world right now.

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