Skip to main content

Rehab Diary Day 4: November 11 2020 TW: Self Harm, Suicide, Anxiety

I am on a new sleep medicine. It does not help me sleep. It actually sped me up so I stayed up and rewatched, "Your Name". Then I had the dilemma of quietly crying so my roommates couldn't hear me. Omg that movie is so good. If you haven't seen it, you must watch it! It is my #2 Anime Movie. Soundtrack is amazing. I love love. 

One day I will find someone who deems me worthy of their love. I have so much love to give. I feel like I would be an amazing girlfriend. I am just extremely needy and emotional. I'm supportive though. A definite ride or die. I feel like I fell in love with a man who doesn't love me back as a protective measure. It sounds counter intuitive. I love this person, they don't love me, so they can't abandon me if I never have them? I don't know. I just know I fall hard in love and then my heart aches for that person that I can't have. That is one of my goals for this year. To get out and find someone who will return my love like I deserve. 

It will be hard since I'm currently in love with someone. It's just nonsensical. Why do I love this person who has told me multiple times he does not have feelings for me? Why do I feel this need to take care of this person and make them happy? It makes me happy to see other people happy. I value his friendship above all else. He has been there for me through really dark times. Where everyone else ran away. 

I wonder if he is there out of love (friendship love) or if he is only there for me out of fear of me killing myself. It's hard to think about. I would rather have a true friend than a friend that has ulterior motives. I don't want to manipulate or scare anyone into being my friend or lover. 

I woke up around 8:30 am. I did not sleep well at all last night. I have a new room mate who talks in her sleep. I woke up every hour again. So I give the sleep medicine a big fat 0. 

Group Therapy 9:30am
10:00 am DBT Group therapy over Zoom 

I haven't been blogging my day because I've been frustrated by things happening in my life outside of rehab and my control. I did get crafty and make these rocks.

I miss my son, my friends, and my privacy. I hate that I am not able to go to the funeral of my Uncle. This illness has ruined my life. I could not leave my house and visit my grams as much as I should have before she passed away. Now someone else has passed away that I should have spent more time with. I want to get better and stop being so isolated so I don't miss out on spending time with my loved ones. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The cause of my PTSD *Trigger Warning*

It is Mental Health Awareness month. I wanted to tell my story of why I have PTSD. Something happened to me that I still have not been able to work through. There are details that I have never told anyone, not the doctors, therapists, police, or the lady who took pictures of my injuries. I am trying to move on and part of my therapy was saying out loud what happened to me. I never could do that and I left therapy and have not been back. I want to complete PTSD therapy. I still can't say out loud the events that happened, but I can type them in hopes that someone else can be saved from the red flags I missed.  I met this guy at work. He was super charming. He had a way of talking to people. He could sell a whale a glass of water. He told me he was a published author. I was writing at that time so I was super intrigued by this. He brought me some of his books to read. They were well written. He kept telling me things that pulled me in even deeper. He said he graduated sem

Where have I been TW: Suicide, Self Harm

  This Blogpost will discuss Self Harm and Suicide If you are sensitive to hearing about those topics please stop reading. If you or someone you love are contemplating suicide please contact:  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ First, I want to say that no one is responsible for my suicide attempt. I am solely responsible, I have PTSD and have been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder . If something ever happens to me in the future, please know that it is the illness and no one could have prevented what happened to me. Second, I am only writing about this to control the narrative. There have been many speculations, rumours, etc. Everything had been building up. Ever since the beginning of Covid, it is like the water kept rising and I was drowning. A few weeks ago I got very upset by a chain of events. Twitter had been very depressing. I had so many mutuals expressing how they wanted to commit suicide. One even going so far as to write out a suicide note. That af

Addressing the reoccuring sexual assault theme of SAO from a survivors point of view ***TRIGGER WARNING***

Recently I was asked my thoughts on the reoccurring sexual assault themes in SAO. My friend knew I had PTSD and wanted to know how I felt about it. After watching more of the series I felt I needed to revisit the topic in a blog post. First, I believe the topic should be talked about in any medium. Whether it is a TV Show, Book, Movie, or mature Anime. It is important to get the conversation going and raise awareness. It must be addressed in such a way as to educate and not romanticize the topic. These are my opinions on the subject and not how anyone should feel. If these scenes bothered you and you don't think they should have been included, that is your right. You have to do what makes you comfortable. The first time sexual assault came up in SAO was Season 2 Episode 13. Sinon was attacked by her friend and he tried to rape her. The episode gave me pause. At first, I was triggered by the scenario. It really upset me. Here was this already broken character, who had bee