It is 7:22 am. I went to sleep around 11 last night. I had a very long night the night before so I was exhausted to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open.
Very thankful that my friend streamed last night. Just reminded me of why people watch us on Twitch. It gets us away from our reality for a little bit. For a few hours I forgot all about my problems and where I was. I was comforted and happy. Of course like with streaming as soon as you turn off a friend's stream that connection is broken and you're completely alone.
I was making bracelets with my friends names last night. I was being silly but when I was finished, I realized I put them on my left arm and that is the arm I use to hurt myself. Seeing my friend's names who I love so much on that arm made me tear up. I'm hoping I can use these bracelets to help stop the urges. When I see their names on that arm it will help me to stop and think.
We had SMART goals group at 9 am. SMART= Specific Measurable Attainable Reliable Timely.￼
We write down 3 easily obtainable goals and what we are doing to work towards those goals. We also mark how we are feeling on this day. I accidentally put yesterday's date. Ignore that.
At 10 we had a group with Patrick from the friendship house. He went over Anxiety and ways to break the cycle.
12pm Lunch. Staff made homemade beef stroganoff. It was delicious. I've had 3 cups of coffee and I am still so sleepy. I'm trying to draw, study, write, and do everything I can to avoid taking a nap.
This is when I get antsy and want to leave. I start thinking of everything at home that I need to do. I could be working on my Twitch, writing my short stories for Amazon, working and making money, spending time with my son, etc.
I spend my free time drawing anime, listening to anime music, and studying. I am planning on starting SAO Progressive tonight and will be doing a review.
3pm Go back to see the Dr.
I was terrified to see the Dr. He is the one who had me committed when I was here last time because I tried to attempt while I was here. I am a horrible liar so when he asked about my wrists he knew what I tried to do.
This was an emotional meeting. I was terrified. I thought he was going to send me back to Parkridge Valley. I thought he was mad at me with what happened last time. He explained that he was hurt with what happened. He was not mad at me. He said he could tell by looking at me that I was in a better mind set this time. I told him that I was ready to accept help and that I wanted to stop cutting.
We went over some medical things and he decided to add Prazosin to my nightly medicines. It is used specifically for the treatment of night terrors for those with PTSD. Article Here He thinks it will help me to sleep at night and not have night terrors anymore. He said with everything I have been through that there's not a medicine to fix it. It's going to take a lot of therapy. Hopefully it does not make me a zombie. He is not a Dr that wants his patients to be zombies so I trust him.
The afternoon started getting bad. Right now I just want to leave. I am feeling antsy and I want to run. The worst part is that I want to leave so I can hurt myself. What kind of life is this? What kind of person am I that I feel this way all the time. I'm really struggling tonight. I want to confide in a friend but I feel like I have burdened my friends and family enough with my feelings. I just want to feel and be normal. If I can't do that then I don't want to be alive. There's only so much that I can take.
End of Day Group therapy 8:45
Talked about how we were feeling. I opened up that I was struggling with wanting to leave and self harm. I was challenged to find out what triggered me. I was doing so well this morning. We talked about unhelpful thinking styles. I personalize too much and say sorry for things that are beyond my control which leads to my best friend getting mad at me. I'm just tired of people evoking anger and disappointment in people. I just want to be loved not regretted. I'm kinda in a bad place tonight. Hopeful for this medicine so I can get some sleep and feel better tomorrow.