Skip to main content

Rehab Diary Day 1 Sunday, November 8, 2020

How does one end up back at rehab? Well I have been feeling the same way I did the first time I went to the hospital. Hopeless, empty, lonely, unloved. I had still been cutting myself. It was getting worse. I was being more self destructive than usual. Last night everything came to a head. I was already feeling that way. Then I took some thc chocolate and drank moonshine on top of that. That escalated everything.

 I cut deeper than I usually do. I was scared that I was going to bleed out in my sleep. I called my sister. My sister came over and helped me pack my stuff. She was forcing me to go back to rehab and I agreed to go. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to get help so I can move on with my life. She took me to our Mothers house so she could keep an eye on me until the next morning when rehab opened. There was a chance that rehab wouldn't take me back since the last time I was here I tried to kill myself on the property which was a violation of the safety contract. I had ordered razors and had them delivered. 

I woke up this morning and called to be assessed. They took a long time making a decision. There wasn't another rehab like this place. I was starting to worry about what I was going to do if they did not accept me back. They finally said I could come. My Sister drive me 30 minutes to the facility. It is a nice looking house. One floor with several rooms. Only a 10 person capacity. When I got here they gave me a drug test. I was positive for thc and my Adderall and Valium. They asked a lot of questions and I had to sign a lot of papers. Then I gave my sister a hug and watched her drive off. I feel like she is very disappointed  and worried about me. 
I had my vitals taken. And then was shown to my room. I have the same bed as last time. I brought my SAO Progressive with me, my sketch books, and a lot of colored pens. So expect some really bad anime drawings.  
This is the Living Room where we hang out and have all our group therapy. We watch Netflix and You Tube. I've painted and made jewelry. As far as rehabs this is the one you want to be at. It's least restrictive. I wasn't search when I came in. We are free to go where we want as long as we don't walk off the property.

After I was processed we ate dinner. They feed us good here. The only thing I don't like is the lack of pop. They serve us crystal light, water, and coffee. After we ate we have a process group. I was asked why I was here. I answered because I can't stop hurting myself and I want to get better. This time is different. The first time I did not come voluntarily. I was forced to come. So I slept and did not participate in group therapy. I was opposed to it. I felt like I wasn't going to get better. I didn't want to get better. I just wanted to die. This time I am open to getting help and having a more positive outlook on it. This is going to make the whole process work better this time. 

I am worried about how my friends and family are accepting it. I feel like I have been such a burden on everyone. Especially my best guy friend and my sister. I just want to better myself and get myself well so I can get back to helping other people. 

I will have one more group therapy tonight before night meds and bed. We don't have to go to sleep but we have to be quiet at night. I've felt like napping all day because it is one of my coping skills to shut down and sleep but I've been holding off so I can sleep tonight. 


Popular posts from this blog

Americans need access to Mental Healthcare NOW

This originally started out as a tweet after I became upset after searching for Therapy for myself. I suffer from PTSD, Panic Disorder, and a Mood Disorder. Last fall I went off of the 4 different medications I was on because I could not function. I was a zombie all the time and had no quality of life. Because I am no longer on those medications I struggle every day. Especially during times like these when my PTSD is triggered by the current events. I made a promise to someone that I would get help. Today I was looking into therapy. One therapy I am particularly interested in is Ketamine Therapy. Ketamine Treatment can save lives. Especially for individuals like me who are medication-resistant. I have tried every medicine currently available for my disorders. None of them made the soul-crushing depression go away. The side effects outweighed the benefits which is why I was advised to detox from them. I went through three long months of withdrawals after being on one of the medications

Addressing the reoccuring sexual assault theme of SAO from a survivors point of view ***TRIGGER WARNING***

Recently I was asked my thoughts on the reoccurring sexual assault themes in SAO. My friend knew I had PTSD and wanted to know how I felt about it. After watching more of the series I felt I needed to revisit the topic in a blog post. First, I believe the topic should be talked about in any medium. Whether it is a TV Show, Book, Movie, or mature Anime. It is important to get the conversation going and raise awareness. It must be addressed in such a way as to educate and not romanticize the topic. These are my opinions on the subject and not how anyone should feel. If these scenes bothered you and you don't think they should have been included, that is your right. You have to do what makes you comfortable. The first time sexual assault came up in SAO was Season 2 Episode 13. Sinon was attacked by her friend and he tried to rape her. The episode gave me pause. At first, I was triggered by the scenario. It really upset me. Here was this already broken character, who had bee

Rehab Diary Day 7: Saturday November 14, 2020 TW:Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Suicide

Shouko is my favorite anime movie character. She is so strong. I relate so much to her and Sinon. They have both been through so much and persevered.  I have been enjoying sitting outside on the back porch facing Cases Cove and rocking in the rocking chair while meditating. Today I listened to one of my new favorite songs. Nandemonaiya: song on spotify  ,  lyrics  . I like the English version which is strange because when it comes to anime I prefer Japanese. I really need to get a rocking chair so I can continue meditating and getting sun and fresh air at least once a day. I had nightmares again last night. I don't know if they would have been worse without the Prazosin or if it is helping. I didn't have as much trouble waking up this morning but falling asleep was hard. I was overthinking all day yesterday.  Saw the Dr. this morning. They are going to go up on one of my medicines to help with the depression.  11:00 Smart goals group 4:30pm Process Group