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Rehab Diary Day 1 Sunday, November 8, 2020

How does one end up back at rehab? Well I have been feeling the same way I did the first time I went to the hospital. Hopeless, empty, lonely, unloved. I had still been cutting myself. It was getting worse. I was being more self destructive than usual. Last night everything came to a head. I was already feeling that way. Then I took some thc chocolate and drank moonshine on top of that. That escalated everything.

 I cut deeper than I usually do. I was scared that I was going to bleed out in my sleep. I called my sister. My sister came over and helped me pack my stuff. She was forcing me to go back to rehab and I agreed to go. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to get help so I can move on with my life. She took me to our Mothers house so she could keep an eye on me until the next morning when rehab opened. There was a chance that rehab wouldn't take me back since the last time I was here I tried to kill myself on the property which was a violation of the safety contract. I had ordered razors and had them delivered. 

I woke up this morning and called to be assessed. They took a long time making a decision. There wasn't another rehab like this place. I was starting to worry about what I was going to do if they did not accept me back. They finally said I could come. My Sister drive me 30 minutes to the facility. It is a nice looking house. One floor with several rooms. Only a 10 person capacity. When I got here they gave me a drug test. I was positive for thc and my Adderall and Valium. They asked a lot of questions and I had to sign a lot of papers. Then I gave my sister a hug and watched her drive off. I feel like she is very disappointed  and worried about me. 
I had my vitals taken. And then was shown to my room. I have the same bed as last time. I brought my SAO Progressive with me, my sketch books, and a lot of colored pens. So expect some really bad anime drawings.  
This is the Living Room where we hang out and have all our group therapy. We watch Netflix and You Tube. I've painted and made jewelry. As far as rehabs this is the one you want to be at. It's least restrictive. I wasn't search when I came in. We are free to go where we want as long as we don't walk off the property.

After I was processed we ate dinner. They feed us good here. The only thing I don't like is the lack of pop. They serve us crystal light, water, and coffee. After we ate we have a process group. I was asked why I was here. I answered because I can't stop hurting myself and I want to get better. This time is different. The first time I did not come voluntarily. I was forced to come. So I slept and did not participate in group therapy. I was opposed to it. I felt like I wasn't going to get better. I didn't want to get better. I just wanted to die. This time I am open to getting help and having a more positive outlook on it. This is going to make the whole process work better this time. 

I am worried about how my friends and family are accepting it. I feel like I have been such a burden on everyone. Especially my best guy friend and my sister. I just want to better myself and get myself well so I can get back to helping other people. 

I will have one more group therapy tonight before night meds and bed. We don't have to go to sleep but we have to be quiet at night. I've felt like napping all day because it is one of my coping skills to shut down and sleep but I've been holding off so I can sleep tonight. 

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