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Showing posts from November, 2020

Rehab Diary Day 7: Saturday November 14, 2020 TW:Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Suicide

Shouko is my favorite anime movie character. She is so strong. I relate so much to her and Sinon. They have both been through so much and persevered.  I have been enjoying sitting outside on the back porch facing Cases Cove and rocking in the rocking chair while meditating. Today I listened to one of my new favorite songs. Nandemonaiya: song on spotify  ,  lyrics  . I like the English version which is strange because when it comes to anime I prefer Japanese. I really need to get a rocking chair so I can continue meditating and getting sun and fresh air at least once a day. I had nightmares again last night. I don't know if they would have been worse without the Prazosin or if it is helping. I didn't have as much trouble waking up this morning but falling asleep was hard. I was overthinking all day yesterday.  Saw the Dr. this morning. They are going to go up on one of my medicines to help with the depression.  11:00 Smart goals group 4:30pm Process Group

Rehab Diary Day 6: Friday November 13, 2020 TW: Self Harm, Suicide, Anxiety, Depression

I want to be like Hina. Bring the sunshine to everyone. I want to be a light in the dark times. I was excited to watch, "Weathering With You" last night. Please watch it if you haven't seen it. There is even a throwback to, "Your Name." I had a pretty bad night terror last night which is weird since the medicine I am on is for night terrors. It shook me and I wanted to reach out to my friend to help calm me down but I didn't want to bother him. I feel like I am just being a burden on everyone. I feel very empty and alone. It's no one's fault but mine. I've thought about disappearing. Just letting everyone go so no one has to deal with me anymore. I would miss everyone but I feel like I would be doing everyone a favour. Two days. I get to go back to my life in two days. I am excited and very scared. I want to see my kid and play video games. I know I will be streaming Sunday night as long as everything goes well. I have a very strong n

Rehab Diary Day 5: Thursday November 12, 2020 TW: Suicide, Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety

I had to be woken up this morning to see the Dr. They upped my PTSD medicine Prozosin. It made me sleep hard last night.  I don't like feeling sleepy all day long. He wants me to give it one more night before I stop it. He said if I can't wake up today I can refuse it tonight. I just wish there was a cure. I'm so tired of trying all these medications. I can say that my depression and anxiety are getting better. I'm just anxious to go home and see my son. I miss him so much and I feel like a failure as a mom right now. These last few weeks have been so stressful on him. I know that I am doing the best thing I can for him right now by trying to take care of myself. I don't know if he understands that though. I feel like he is probably scared since he has already had one parent abandon him. I don't want him to be afraid that he will be an orphan which is what he would be if I don't get better. 

Rehab Diary Day 4: November 11 2020 TW: Self Harm, Suicide, Anxiety

I am on a new sleep medicine. It does not help me sleep. It actually sped me up so I stayed up and rewatched, "Your Name". Then I had the dilemma of quietly crying so my roommates couldn't hear me. Omg that movie is so good. If you haven't seen it, you must watch it! It is my #2 Anime Movie. Soundtrack is amazing. I love love.  One day I will find someone who deems me worthy of their love. I have so much love to give. I feel like I would be an amazing girlfriend. I am just extremely needy and emotional. I'm supportive though. A definite ride or die. I feel like I fell in love with a man who doesn't love me back as a protective measure. It sounds counter intuitive. I love this person, they don't love me, so they can't abandon me if I never have them? I don't know. I just know I fall hard in love and then my heart aches for that person that I can't have. That is one of my goals for this year. To get out and find someone who will retur

Rehab Diary Day 3: November 10, 2020 TW: Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety

I woke up at 6:45 am to the sound of glass breaking. It was a very rude awakening for someone with PTSD. The staff broke a glass divider in the office. I was hopeful for the new medicine, but I woke up several times during the night and now I'm very sleepy during the day. 8:30 am went back to see the Dr. the Dr. is worried about how severe my PTSD is. Since my event happened during my sleep I have somniphobia. I do not feel safe during sleep. I wake up several times during the night. I have night terrors. He put me on a medicine called Prozosin. It's a medication they give to war vets with PTSD to stop the night terrors. He is thinking if he can get me sleeping then I will feel better. He also wants me to have a sleep study. He will give it one more night to see how I am feeling before he adds any more medication. I told him about having a really bad night last night and that I was feeling antsy and wanted to leave to hurt myself. He explained it's an addiction.

How am I really feeling? TW: Self Harm, suicide, depression, anxiety

Smile Just smile and Fake it Nod your head, make eye contact. Don't fidgit. Don't avert your eyes. Tell the Doctor what he wants to hear. Don't give them any reason to not believe you. Choke back the tears. You can cry when you're alone. Stuff the emotions deep down. Hide your wrists. Wear long sleeves. Delete the VODs. No one will know. Hide the razors. Clean up the blood. Hide the tissue. Leave no evidence. At night you can cry. Do what you need to feel. Punish yourself for being a failure. Everyone is tired of you. Your constant disappointments. Your pathetic attempts at love. You're too emotional. No one wants to hear you whine. Delete that tweet. No one liked it anyway. Why are you making that post? People are laughing at you. You're a hypocrite. You can't even take care of yourself. You're a horrible Mother. He would be better off an orphan. No one will love you. Why do you even try?

Rehab Diary Day 2: Monday Nov 9, 2020

It is 7:22 am. I went to sleep around 11 last night. I had a very long night the night before so I was exhausted to the point of not being able to keep my eyes open.  Very thankful that my friend streamed last night. Just reminded me of why people watch us on Twitch. It gets us away from our reality for a little bit. For a few hours I forgot all about my problems and where I was. I was comforted and happy. Of course like with streaming as soon as you turn off a friend's stream that connection is broken and you're completely alone. I was making bracelets with my friends names last night. I was being silly but when I was finished, I realized I put them on my left arm and that is the arm I use to hurt myself. Seeing my friend's names who I love so much on that arm made me tear up. I'm hoping I can use these bracelets to help stop the urges. When I see their names on that arm it will help me to stop and think. We had SMART goals group at 9 am. SMART= Specific Measurable Att

Rehab Diary Day 1 Sunday, November 8, 2020

How does one end up back at rehab? Well I have been feeling the same way I did the first time I went to the hospital. Hopeless, empty, lonely, unloved. I had still been cutting myself. It was getting worse. I was being more self destructive than usual. Last night everything came to a head. I was already feeling that way. Then I took some thc chocolate and drank moonshine on top of that. That escalated everything.  I cut deeper than I usually do. I was scared that I was going to bleed out in my sleep. I called my sister. My sister came over and helped me pack my stuff. She was forcing me to go back to rehab and I agreed to go. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to get help so I can move on with my life. She took me to our Mothers house so she could keep an eye on me until the next morning when rehab opened. There was a chance that rehab wouldn't take me back since the last time I was here I tried to kill myself on the property which was a violation of the

I'm in Rehab...again TW: Self Harm/Suicide

TW: Self Harm/Suicide Hey guys it's Elektra, This morning I checked myself back into a rehabilitation facility. It is called The Living Room in Blount County TN. I've still been cutting every night that I've been out of the hospital. Sometimes I cut so deep that I am afraid I'll black out and bleed out. I want to stop harming myself. I don't want to die. I want to get better and stop feeling so empty and lonely. I've got a lot of work to do. I am sorry for the disappointment. I feel like I am failing every single one of you by being here. Almost as if I've given up. I'm not going to give up until I get better and I'm able to continue helping others and making my friends happy. Thank you all for your support and prayers during this time. I should only be here until next Saturday or Sunday. I love you all. I will try to blog my stay this time so people can see what it is like in a facility like this. Please don't give up on me and help

Where have I been TW: Suicide, Self Harm

  This Blogpost will discuss Self Harm and Suicide If you are sensitive to hearing about those topics please stop reading. If you or someone you love are contemplating suicide please contact:  https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ First, I want to say that no one is responsible for my suicide attempt. I am solely responsible, I have PTSD and have been recently diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder . If something ever happens to me in the future, please know that it is the illness and no one could have prevented what happened to me. Second, I am only writing about this to control the narrative. There have been many speculations, rumours, etc. Everything had been building up. Ever since the beginning of Covid, it is like the water kept rising and I was drowning. A few weeks ago I got very upset by a chain of events. Twitter had been very depressing. I had so many mutuals expressing how they wanted to commit suicide. One even going so far as to write out a suicide note. That af