During this episode I touched on something very personal and also embarrassing. I have feelings for someone who does not return those feelings. This is someone who I met online. We met in a discord server. We started messaging each other in February and I have mentioned this person in this blog before. I developed feelings for him. I became extremely needy and manipulative to get his attention and he blocked me on all forms of social media. I can be intense and a lot to deal with. I do admit fault in what happened.
Recently he unblocked me slowly. Starting with Discord, Steam, Twitter, and Twitch being the last. My friend clipped video of my reaction when he followed me again on Twitch. It meant so much to me. We are messaging each other and I am trying very hard to not repeat the mistakes I made before. I don't know if I could go through losing him again.
I have a huge crush on him. I think he is super hot and his voice sends shivers down my spine. I value his opinion. He is very intelligent in a lot of things. I love watching him play CSGO. It is a total turn on to see someone play the way he does. If you watch my streams with me playing with him, you can see it written all over my face. I can't stop smiling when I'm watching him play. He is the first person I message when I wake up and the last person I message when I go to sleep. I would do anything to make him happy.
I'm pretty sure he knows I like him. I do flirt with him a lot. He does not flirt back though. I can't tell him how I really feel because I can't lose him again. I don't know that I could handle the rejection and still be friends. It's better to just keep things the way they are.