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The cause of my PTSD *Trigger Warning*

It is Mental Health Awareness month. I wanted to tell my story of why I have PTSD. Something happened to me that I still have not been able to work through. There are details that I have never told anyone, not the doctors, therapists, police, or the lady who took pictures of my injuries. I am trying to move on and part of my therapy was saying out loud what happened to me. I never could do that and I left therapy and have not been back. I want to complete PTSD therapy. I still can't say out loud the events that happened, but I can type them in hopes that someone else can be saved from the red flags I missed. 

I met this guy at work. He was super charming. He had a way of talking to people. He could sell a whale a glass of water. He told me he was a published author. I was writing at that time so I was super intrigued by this. He brought me some of his books to read. They were well written. He kept telling me things that pulled me in even deeper. He said he graduated seminary. I was a devout Christian during this time so I was fascinated. We became close friends pretty quick. 

His girlfriend kicked him out of the house and he needed a place to stay so I decided to let him come live with me. Day one I should have known something was wrong. He was very interested in my son and by the end of the week was telling him to call him Dad. At work, his ex-girlfriend confronted me and told me that he beat her up and tried to kill her. He said she was crazy and lying and told me all kinds of things to make me believe him. I wish I would have listened. 

The first incident happened one night while he was drinking. He got way too drunk and was acting crazy so I hid his alcohol. He grabbed a 7-inch kitchen knife and held it to my throat until I told him where it was. After he got the alcohol he cried and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. The next day we were in the car. I said something that made him angry and he pushed me repeatedly in the head in front of my son. I lost consciousness. I should have called the police then but I felt like it was my fault for making him angry. 

These events kept happening and escalating. I felt like I didn't have anywhere to go. He started taking away my phone and my laptop so I couldn't speak to my family or call for help. He would hide my car keys. I had to go to the emergency room for broken bones, multiple concussions, and strangulation. Each time the Doctors and Nurses called the cops and each time I declined to file a police report. My Aunt came and got my son and would not bring him back to me. This guy was truly evil. He would hand me a razor and have me cut myself and try to get me to kill myself. He would tell me I was worthless, ugly, and no one wanted me. 

I was on medicine at the time that made me super sleepy. As soon as I would take it I would have to lay down or I would be on the floor. One morning I woke up with him raping me in my sleep and when I tried to stop him he beat me and continued and told me if I ever tried to stop him again he would kill me. This is why I have trouble sleeping. I feel like when I am asleep, I have no control over what happens to my body. As soon as I start to drift off I wake up on high alert with adrenaline rushing through my veins. I have severe night terrors of trying to scream for help and no sound coming out. I am unable to move and I can feel hands on me even after I wake myself up. 

I was so disgusted with myself. I was convinced that I deserved this. One night while was son was there he got very drunk and said he and my son were going to have a camp out in my son's room. I told him no because he was too drunk. He knocked me to the ground, got on top of me, and started choking me to death. I thought this is it. He is going to kill me and my son. My son saved my life. He ran into the room and screamed. I was able to grab him and my phone and run outside and call the police. He told me if he went to jail he would come and find me and kill me when he got out. 

The officers could see the strangulation marks on my neck. They arrested him and took him to jail. He was charged with aggravated assault. The trial was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I had to go down and have a lady take pictures of all my injuries. The worst injuries are the ones she couldn't see. The PTSD, The Traumatic Brain Injury I had from being punched repeatedly and having my head bashed into a window sill. Because the jails were overcrowded he served three months and got eight years probation. The judge granted me a 5-year no-contact order of protection. I lived in fear of my life. I moved so he could not find me. 

Every time anything made a noise my son and I would jump. I could not be in a room with a male by myself. I flinched anytime a guy made a movement near me. I have not had a relationship since this happened. I decided it was not worth the risk to my son. I still believe that I am too broken to be loved by anyone. The one person I did try to get close to online, I was so insecure and needy he ran away. I so wanted attention from him. I was manipulative and self deprecated until he was forced to stop what he was doing to talk to me. I felt like him not talking to me meant he didn't like me or I did something wrong when in reality he was just busy doing something else. He couldn't take it anymore and stopped talking to me. I think it would be very hard for anyone to be with me. I still have the words on repeat in my head that I should just go ahead and kill myself because no one will ever love me. I am worthless and after what he did to me I still believe it. I feel used up. Not clean. I have memory problems from the multiple concussions and it is hard for me to learn new skills. I have to work ten times as hard.

I am trying really hard to work on myself. I got a therapy workbook that I am going to be diligent on using and I am looking for a therapist who specializes in my type of PTSD. I am honestly pathetic sometimes. To fall asleep I have my weighted blanket and a huge heavy pillow. The ones that are a backrest with arms. I put that on top of me while I sleep so I have the pressure and it feels like someone is holding me. I just imagine someone I love is holding me and they aren't going to let anything bad happen to me while I sleep. It works most of the time until the night terrors happen. I refuse to take sleeping pills. I don't want to lose control like that ever again. I have made some positive improvements. I am trying really hard to not be toxic to myself. I am trying to stop being so needy and attention-seeking. 

I want to get better so I can be someone that a person could fall in love with. It is terrifying to think about but I would like to feel arms around me again and have someone to make me feel protected. I have been carrying so much on my own these past years. I have done it all on my own. I know I am strong enough but I don't to do this on my own anymore. This happened a long time ago but the damage is still here. I urge you to seek help if you ever find yourself in this situation. 
Document everything. Pictures help. File the police report the first time. Keep an emergency stash of money and extra car key hidden. Don't wait until the 10th time the police come knocking on your door. One of my triggers is knocking. I can not take the sound of someone knocking. It takes me back to so many nights where the police were pounding on my door trying to get in to save me. 

I don't know how long I will keep this post up. I hope it helps someone who may be in a similar situation. 


  1. Can you bring a trusted friend to the PTSD therapy, on the day that you may say it out loud? Maybe if that person is there, you can say it out loud. Sad story...


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