I may have lost a friend today. One I hold very dear to my heart. I have a very bad habit of being self-deprecating. I could make the excuse that it's the trauma I've been through, but I've had time to fix it. I stopped going to therapy because it got too hard. I am not kind to myself at all. I am very insecure.
Today I installed a new GPU and PSU. I was so excited to upgrade my computer. A few weeks ago I had issues upgrading my CPU. It was a disaster but my friends were able to help me work it out. The upgrade today was supposed to be just a plug and play. I upgraded to a 2070 Super. It is a lot bigger than my old 1060. I had a little trouble getting it in and then my PC would not post. My first thought was that my motherboard had been damaged. I previously thought I damaged it when I installed my new CPU a few weeks ago and here I was being too rough on it trying to get my GPU to fit.
My heart dropped and instantly I started berating myself. Stupid, what have you done now, why can't you figure this out, this is something so simple and you can't even do this simple thing. Then I message my friend and I am basically saying what I am feeling about myself. Then I feel even worse because I feel like they are going to think I am an idiot. I proceed to tell my friends that I do not deserve to be in their group, which is a tech group. They are all extremely intelligent and sometimes it is hard for me to understand what they are talking about. I always make the joke that I am just the mascot. I start spiraling down all while communicating to my friend about how incompetent I am and putting myself down. He messaged me and told me he was not going to talk to me anymore if I keep putting myself down. It isn't fair to make him feel bad because of my negativity. Just the thought of losing this friend broke my heart. This is the closest thing I have had to a real friend in a very long time. It made me cry that I may have messed up one of the best things that has happened to me in months.
It turns out that I did not plug in the PCIe cord and that is why it would not post. Yes, I felt stupid. Should I have told everyone how stupid I was, no. It isn't fair to make others feel bad because I am feeling bad about myself. I should be spreading positivity and not negativity. I am going to try to show myself some love and try to change how I feel about myself. It will be hard for someone to love me if I don't love myself first. I want to go back and finish therapy. It is going to be hard but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to take back my life and stop living in the prison I have built myself. More than anything I want to be someone that people want to be around. I wish I could start this whole day over and make the right choices. Tomorrow is a new day and I just want to press the reset button and fix what I broke today. I have to stop jumping to the worst possible conclusion every time I think something is going wrong. I have to stop those voices in my head repeating what I have heard so many times. I am just continuing the abuse that I endured. It has to stop and I am the only one who can do it.