I have been trying to be more positive. It has been hard but I've been trying to make a valiant effort. I think I'm broken. Imagine taking a crystal vase and dropping it on concrete. Now take all those pieces and try to fit them back together to make a whole Vase again. You may get it together but more than likely you will have pieces missing and it won't be as strong as before. I am like that vase. I know many others are like that vase too. If you put too much pressure on it it will collapse in on itself.
I don't want to shatter the instant someone does something to upset me or doesn't give me the attention I'm needing. I got a new monitor the other day. One I've been waiting for for a while. It's an MSI 240hz monitor. It is supposed to be an excellent gaming monitor to help give me an edge in my competitions. I was so excited to hook it up and see how much better I was going to be. I set up my Twitch stream and got ready for a night of gaming. One of the games I was in was a pretty funny guy. Once he found out I was streaming he let me know he was a streamer. I looked him up and he actually has a night following. He followed me and said he would host me. He looked at my stream and proceeded to make fun of my overlay and camera. I don't think he was trying to be mean, but I immediately just got so embarrassed and that is when the thoughts showed up. Why are you even streaming? No one even watches you. You are a joke. You don't know what your doing. I proceeded to lose all three comps. I tried to play through the tears but I couldn't and gave up before I usually do.
All I wanted was someone to talk to. Someone to bring me out of my own head. Someone to help me see what I couldn't see. It gets really lonely by myself. I've tried to make friends but I think I am too much for people to handle. I have too much baggage. My past trauma makes me very insecure so if someone doesn't reply to my texts I instantly think worse case scenario. They don't want to talk to me, I am annoying them, I don't matter.
When this happens I start spiraling and start berating myself. I hate feeling like this and I don't wish this on anyone else. I consider myself an empath. I feel very deeply the pain others are feeling. So if a friend or family member is going through something I am right there with them taking on the anguish with them. It's the same if something good happens as well.
As soon as this quarantine is over, I will be seeking the best therapist in this city. I am so tired of being alone and feeling like this. I am tired of pushing people away with my neediness and insecurities. I don't want people to talk to me because they feel sorry for me or feel like they have to spend time with me. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be someone people want to spend time with and talk to.
It is going to take a lot of work but I am praying for this to be taken away from me. I need peace. I want to feel something other than miserable. I'm tired of these high highs and low lows. I don't want to go back to self harm to feel something and that is the path I am heading back to. All I could think about last night was grabbing some razors. I didn't though. I resisted the urge.