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I am Broken ***Trigger Warning***


I have been trying to be more positive. It has been hard but I've been trying to make a valiant effort. I think I'm broken. Imagine taking a crystal vase and dropping it on concrete. Now take all those pieces and try to fit them back together to make a whole Vase again. You may get it together but more than likely you will have pieces missing and it won't be as strong as before. I am like that vase. I know many others are like that vase too. If you put too much pressure on it it will collapse in on itself. 

I don't want to shatter the instant someone does something to upset me or doesn't give me the attention I'm needing. I got a new monitor the other day. One I've been waiting for for a while. It's an MSI 240hz monitor. It is supposed to be an excellent gaming monitor to help give me an edge in my competitions. I was so excited to hook it up and see how much better I was going to be. I set up my Twitch stream and got ready for a night of gaming. One of the games I was in was a pretty funny guy. Once he found out I was streaming he let me know he was a streamer. I looked him up and he actually has a night following. He followed me and said he would host me. He looked at my stream and proceeded to make fun of my overlay and camera. I don't think he was trying to be mean, but I immediately just got so embarrassed and that is when the thoughts showed up. Why are you even streaming? No one even watches you. You are a joke. You don't know what your doing. I proceeded to lose all three comps. I tried to play through the tears but I couldn't and gave up before I usually do. 

All I wanted was someone to talk to. Someone to bring me out of my own head. Someone to help me see what I couldn't see. It gets really lonely by myself. I've tried to make friends but I think I am too much for people to handle. I have too much baggage. My past trauma makes me very insecure so if someone doesn't reply to my texts I instantly think worse case scenario. They don't want to talk to me, I am annoying them, I don't matter. 

When this happens I start spiraling and start berating myself. I hate feeling like this and I don't wish this on anyone else. I consider myself an empath. I feel very deeply the pain others are feeling. So if a friend or family member is going through something I am right there with them taking on the anguish with them. It's the same if something good happens as well. 

As soon as this quarantine is over, I will be seeking the best therapist in this city. I am so tired of being alone and feeling like this. I am tired of pushing people away with my neediness and insecurities. I don't want people to talk to me because they feel sorry for me or feel like they have to spend time with me. I don't want to be a burden. I want to be someone people want to spend time with and talk to. 

It is going to take a lot of work but I am praying for this to be taken away from me. I need peace. I want to feel something other than miserable. I'm tired of these high highs and low lows. I don't want to go back to self harm to feel something and that is the path I am heading back to. All I could think about last night was grabbing some razors. I didn't though. I resisted the urge. 

Comments

  1. some places might be able to do therapy by video, I've heard that people are doing it. Barnacules talks about video chatting over the internet with his therapist.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Streamers have to start somewhere, you have a budget, a real job in real life, your stream is what it is. You do you, and do your stream as you see fit. Did the other streamer have any good suggestions to improve it for you? Or was it all criticize and no help?

    ReplyDelete

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