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Showing posts from April, 2020

How I lost my only friend

Something happened recently that I am still trying to wrap my brain around. I had a friend who was going through something. They are the type of person that does not like to talk about their feelings no matter how hard you try to press. I felt that I did everything in my power to help this person. I tried to make them laugh. I tried to let them know that I was there for them. When they told me they broke a piece of furniture and couldn't play games anymore because of that I sent them money to buy a new desk. When I did that I expected them to at least let me know that they appreciated it and that it made them feel better. Instead, it was radio silent.  I did what I am best at. I pushed and pushed until I got some kind of response. I am not proud of how I acted. I should have just left them alone. In my mind though every bad thought was racing. Why don't they want to talk to me? They must not see me as a good enough friend to discuss their problems with. I spirale

Addressing the reoccuring sexual assault theme of SAO from a survivors point of view ***TRIGGER WARNING***

Recently I was asked my thoughts on the reoccurring sexual assault themes in SAO. My friend knew I had PTSD and wanted to know how I felt about it. After watching more of the series I felt I needed to revisit the topic in a blog post. First, I believe the topic should be talked about in any medium. Whether it is a TV Show, Book, Movie, or mature Anime. It is important to get the conversation going and raise awareness. It must be addressed in such a way as to educate and not romanticize the topic. These are my opinions on the subject and not how anyone should feel. If these scenes bothered you and you don't think they should have been included, that is your right. You have to do what makes you comfortable. The first time sexual assault came up in SAO was Season 2 Episode 13. Sinon was attacked by her friend and he tried to rape her. The episode gave me pause. At first, I was triggered by the scenario. It really upset me. Here was this already broken character, who had bee

I am Broken ***Trigger Warning***

I have been trying to be more positive. It has been hard but I've been trying to make a valiant effort. I think I'm broken. Imagine taking a crystal vase and dropping it on concrete. Now take all those pieces and try to fit them back together to make a whole Vase again. You may get it together but more than likely you will have pieces missing and it won't be as strong as before. I am like that vase. I know many others are like that vase too. If you put too much pressure on it it will collapse in on itself.  I don't want to shatter the instant someone does something to upset me or doesn't give me the attention I'm needing. I got a new monitor the other day. One I've been waiting for for a while. It's an MSI 240hz monitor. It is supposed to be an excellent gaming monitor to help give me an edge in my competitions. I was so excited to hook it up and see how much better I was going to be. I set up my Twitch stream and got ready for a night of gam

Valorant and how to get in the closed Beta

Like many other PC gamers, I have been watching Twitch non-stop for three days now. I have been impatiently waiting for a Valorant Beta Key Drop. I researched ways to increase my chances of getting a drop. At first, I had multiple streams open. I had streams on my computer and one on my phone. I tried to watch the largest streams because I thought that would increase my chances. Then I read the Twitch drop page and learned that only one stream could earn a drop so I scaled back to one stream. There are articles that say you need to be active in the stream, chat, make sure you don't have the stream muted, that the system could tell if you weren't paying attention. So I typed "nice" in chat every 30 minutes or so. What is Valorant? Valorant is a first-person shooter or FPS created by Riot Games. It is a competitive 5 v 5 like CSGO. Also like CSGO there is a bomb (they call it a spike) you need to plant/diffuse to win the game. You can also win by killing

Today was a hard lesson to learn

I may have lost a friend today. One I hold very dear to my heart. I have a very bad habit of being self-deprecating. I could make the excuse that it's the trauma I've been through, but I've had time to fix it. I stopped going to therapy because it got too hard. I am not kind to myself at all. I am very insecure. Today I installed a new GPU and PSU. I was so excited to upgrade my computer. A few weeks ago I had issues upgrading my CPU. It was a disaster but my friends were able to help me work it out. The upgrade today was supposed to be just a plug and play. I upgraded to a 2070 Super. It is a lot bigger than my old 1060. I had a little trouble getting it in and then my PC would not post. My first thought was that my motherboard had been damaged. I previously thought I damaged it when I installed my new CPU a few weeks ago and here I was being too rough on it trying to get my GPU to fit. My heart dropped and instantly I started berating myself. Stupid, what hav

Sword Art Online

Chances are, if you have read any of my tweets lately you will see I am currently obsessed with Anime. Not just any Anime, but a particular Anime called Sword Art Online. Anime came to me at a time in my life where I desperately needed something to cling to. I was severely depressed. Driven to the point where I no longer wanted to suffer anymore. A friend of mine had posted a tweet with a beautiful gif attached. It was about this anime called Sword Art Online or SAO. After seeing him tweet about it and mention it in Discord. I decided I would check it out. I paid for a subscription to VRV and started my journey. Despite what preconceptions you may have about anime, I ask that you listen with an open mind. First, anime is not just a cartoon. Anime is Japanese for animation. There are a lot of distinct differences between anime and cartoons, but it is a heated argument and I am not educated enough to go there. Most anime are in Japanese, but a lot are dubbed in English. The true ani

How I fell in love with all things tech related

I have always been what one would refer to as "computer savvy". I knew my way around a computer. I used to be a moderator for an online forum called Evil-Online. It was a site dedicated to the game Resident Evil. I made websites and even did my fair share of harmless hacking. I fell away from that world as I got older and had responsibilities that did not allow me the time to play video games or tinker with computers. My son was diagnosed with Aspergers. He is high functioning and you can't tell anything is off until you start speaking to him. He has one-sided conversations and holds no interest in anything outside of video games and computers. I grew up on football, playing outside, and hold a wide array of interests that he could care less about. It all started with a YouTube video. I am still not sure how he found Linus Tech Tips. He started watching the videos and built his first computer. As a way to spend time with him, I started watching LTT videos and learning

Quarantine Life

How are you all doing during this time of uncertainty? I am starting to rise from the depths of my depression. It is funny what an all night gaming session with friends can do for the soul. It is important to stay connected to other people during this time of isolation. This is a little easier for me since I was already isolated from people. I get my socialization needs from Discord, LTT Forum, and Online Games. I am not sure how normal people who crave real life human interaction are making it. Maybe that is one of the driving factors in people not observing social distancing. I also bought a football and Soccer ball yesterday so I could go outside and soak up some sun. I know that fresh air and sun does help boost spirits and health. It's been recommended by Doctors for ages. I plan on starting my exercise routine back again as well. Quarantine and the added stress has made me a little more lax on what I've been eating. It's been a lot of comfort food. I had a goal at the