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Baring my soul ***Trigger warning, don't read if depressed***

Disclaimer: You may not want to read this post if you are easily triggered by topics of depression, anxiety, suicide, or self-harm. If you are having thoughts of suicide please visit https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

We are in a very uncertain time. I am currently self quarantining and have not left my house or seen anyone outside of my son in a month. We have ventured out to the store for necessities, but that is all. He had a birthday earlier this month and I had a birthday a couple of days ago. This is usually a fun month. It has honestly been Hell. 

When the first news of Coronavirus came about, I was positive. I told everyone that this was probably just blown up by the media. It isn't as bad as everyone thinks. It is going to go away as soon as it came. It wouldn't be long before every ounce of positivity was sucked out of me. 

It started when I went to the store the first time after the Coronavirus was on the news and they were telling people to stay home. I just needed a couple of things and was going to run in and run out. I walked into a panic buying nightmare. We hadn't even had a case in our county yet but shelves were bare. This is when I realized that maybe there was something to this virus. I started snatching up everything we needed and then some. Not because I was worried about the outbreak. I was more worried that people were going to cause a shortage and we wouldn't have what we needed. 

I suffer from anxiety and depression. I had been managing it pretty well. With all of this doom and gloom, I have sunk into a very dark place. I have had thoughts of self-harm and suicide. This week we have had 9 suicides within 48 hours in my county. I haven't self-harmed in about nine years. I feel so damn numb that I just want to feel something, anything. Even if that something is physical pain. 

I feel so alone and hopeless. I crave the feeling of strong arms around me holding me tight. I just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay. Usually being alone doesn't bother me. I have been alone for a long time. Right now, in this moment, I feel like if I don't have that connection with another person I am not going to make it. 

I know I need help, but there are a lot of us going through this right now and it isn't like we can leave our houses to get it. I am trying to be strong. My son is my anchor to this world. I would not be here if I did not have him. The funny thing? I have a huge irrational fear of dying. I don't really want to die. I just want to stop feeling like this.

There are some things that help. I try to stay connected with online friends and community,  I don't watch any mainstream media, I limit what I read on the internet, and I play video games with friends. I took my PC apart, cleaned it, and gave her some upgrades. I just hope that this all goes away soon. I really am trying to be strong, but I don't know how much I can take. It has made me realize how much I need someone in my life to lean on. 

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