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Jesus would have been a liberal. Covid rant.

I am getting frustrated with my family members. My Dad in particular. My Dad has always been a conspiracy theorist. I always thought it was endearing and a little interesting at times. I love watching stuff about conspiracy theories, but never have given them any credit.  From the start of Covid, my Dad has been watching people like Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson. Now he is in deep with watching all of the people who are spreading misinformation. It has caused a great strain between us. I remember being so terrified to get the vaccine because of what he had been saying. It took my 16-year-old son to finally convince me to get it.  After I got the shot I was so lightheaded from anxiety and I was afraid to go to sleep that night. I had a huge headache and fever and felt pretty puny for a few days. My Dr said it was a good thing because it meant I had a good immune response to it. Fast forward almost five months after getting the second shot and I am looking forward to getting
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Panic Disorder/Anxiety What I do to ease my symptoms naturally. TW//Drug Use

  I was diagnosed with anxiety in my teens. I remember sitting in my accounting class in High School and all of a sudden feeling hot and antsy. I felt an overwhelming urge to run from the room. I felt like everyone was looking at me. This kept happening and my doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and put me on medicine. After High School, my anxiety wasn't as frequent. From the age of 18-20 I became a party girl. I went a little wild. I was doing a lot of drugs in the clubs every weekend. When I was 20 I went over to a friend's house and did too much cocaine. It made my heart go out of rhythm and I experienced my first panic attack. I thought I was dying. My heart was skipping. My friends were talking about dropping me off in front of the hospital and leaving. I feel like I really came close to dying that night.  I eventually calmed down and went home. The next day when I woke up, I was fine. I got in the bathtub to take a bath and all of a sudden the same thing happene

Recovery is hard

I am making progress. Albeit, slow progress. I can already see a change in how I think. If I have a negative thought, I acknowledge it then let it go and replace it with a positive thought. I have been writing down what I am grateful for every day in my journal. That has made it routine for me to notice the things that are going right for me. Even when I am not writing. I am getting more comfortable with meditating. In the beginning, I couldn't quiet my mind. Now with practice, I can focus better. I am also noticing when my mind starts racing that I can recognize and stop it. I am slowly adding physical activity. Right now I am doing 10 minutes of cardio about 3 times a week. I am trying to make it an everyday thing. It has been hard since I still have a lot of anxiety and I haven't been feeling well. Which really sucks because exercise is one of the best things for anxiety.  Something shifted in my brain this week. Mental illness and Narcolepsy have stolen a lot of

Rewiring my brain. I am doing a six week experiment to help my mental illness.

 I have treatment-resistant depression. That means that I have tried all the medications available to me and nothing is helping my depression. I have been hospitalized twice in the past 10 months for suicide attempts. I do want to get better. I go to therapy once a week, DBT group therapy once a week, and I take my medicine as prescribed. I am taking fish oil, B vitamins, Inositol, Magnesium, and D3. I use essential oils. I would do anything to make these feelings and thoughts go away. I really want to try Ketamine Infusions. Ketamine is supposed to instantly make suicidal ideations go away. It currently is not covered by my insurance and the infusions are expensive. I will need to save up for them. I want to live, I just want to end my suffering. Until I can save up enough money for my Ketamine Infusions, I am going to try to lessen my symptoms. I have been reading about rewiring your brain to think positively. You can also do things to increase your neuroplasticity which

I Relapsed TW// Suicide and Self Harm

Things had been on a steady decline since January. I was doing trauma therapy and that brought up a lot of hard feelings to deal with. Everything came to a head in June. My therapist left me to go to private practice. This was the first therapist I had connected with. Therapy was finally working for me and now I was going to have to start over and find a new therapist. I started having major panic attacks at work and breaking down at my desk. I ended up taking a leave of absence from work.  In July my boyfriend broke up with me. We had only been dating for a short time, but it really affected me. The short time we were together was the happiest I had been in years. Life felt normal and worth living. It was my fault for the break-up. I didn't handle it well at all. I started falling apart. I was crying all the time. I couldn't get up to do anything. I started having thoughts of suicide. My quality of life was very poor. I was not taking care of myself. I didn't shower for da

Rehab Diary Day 7: Saturday November 14, 2020 TW:Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Suicide

Shouko is my favorite anime movie character. She is so strong. I relate so much to her and Sinon. They have both been through so much and persevered.  I have been enjoying sitting outside on the back porch facing Cases Cove and rocking in the rocking chair while meditating. Today I listened to one of my new favorite songs. Nandemonaiya: song on spotify  ,  lyrics  . I like the English version which is strange because when it comes to anime I prefer Japanese. I really need to get a rocking chair so I can continue meditating and getting sun and fresh air at least once a day. I had nightmares again last night. I don't know if they would have been worse without the Prazosin or if it is helping. I didn't have as much trouble waking up this morning but falling asleep was hard. I was overthinking all day yesterday.  Saw the Dr. this morning. They are going to go up on one of my medicines to help with the depression.  11:00 Smart goals group 4:30pm Process Group

Rehab Diary Day 6: Friday November 13, 2020 TW: Self Harm, Suicide, Anxiety, Depression

I want to be like Hina. Bring the sunshine to everyone. I want to be a light in the dark times. I was excited to watch, "Weathering With You" last night. Please watch it if you haven't seen it. There is even a throwback to, "Your Name." I had a pretty bad night terror last night which is weird since the medicine I am on is for night terrors. It shook me and I wanted to reach out to my friend to help calm me down but I didn't want to bother him. I feel like I am just being a burden on everyone. I feel very empty and alone. It's no one's fault but mine. I've thought about disappearing. Just letting everyone go so no one has to deal with me anymore. I would miss everyone but I feel like I would be doing everyone a favour. Two days. I get to go back to my life in two days. I am excited and very scared. I want to see my kid and play video games. I know I will be streaming Sunday night as long as everything goes well. I have a very strong n